Fear

Do you know what fear is? People talk about the taste of fear but for me it is more than that. It envelopes your entire being, screws all your senses then leaves you cold and numb.

I am lucky I have never been in a life threatening fear situation, not my life anyway. To me fear is sitting on the side of a hospital bed while a surgeon explains that the man you love, the father of your children has 2-5 years, if he is lucky, and then only with aggressive surgery followed by chemo.

Fear is sitting in ICU after that surgery goes wrong, no not really the surgery going wrong - that’s not fair on the doctors. His body reacted badly, basically said 'fuck you whatever you try isn’t going to work'. Sitting there with the machines beeping, watching for the numbers to drop, the monitors to alarm and the staff to come rushing over.

Fear is being told the child you are carrying isn't going to make it. 10 years ago my labour was induced to allow my body to deliver my little boy. All I can remember is being physically sick and the fact that my midwife, who had supported me through to 23 weeks was running the London Marathon. 

I picked the blog title live love learn and laugh very deliberately, the experiences of fear have taught me that life is too short, too precious and easily broken to waste. Life is for living, opportunities are there to be taken. This is my new philosophy and one that I find difficult sometimes. Breaking old habits is tough but leaving the negative behind me is a healthy way for me to move on with my life.