Finding a soul mate.... 

I was alone and lonely, then a friend laughingly suggested online dating. I signed up to OkCupid all the while thinking that it was a major waste of time. For anyone not familiar with the site they ask loads of questions about all sorts of things: relationships, religion, sex and politics then they calculate your compatibility with other people on the site.

I looked at profiles of guys who were 85%+ matches and felt – nothing. I got my share of emails, most made me chuckle. Did I want to be a sub in a s/D relationship? Argh no, I was vanilla although that wasn’t a phrase I was familiar with at the time. A 22yr old who wanted no strings sex, I did think about it but too far to travel and truth be told not what I was looking for. I also got the male version of the girls from the old Soviet Union wanting a visa, only these all seemed to be from Morocco or Algeria.

Then I got a message from a guy, younger than I was looking for and with a compatibility rating of 35%, according to the site we had nothing in common. Yet from the start we clicked, online and when we finally got to meet the chemistry was instant, overpowering and unquestionable.

I quickly put aside old habits and what followed was great sex and the first steps down the road to kinkdom. Within a few months he had moved in and my journey continues.

From the outside looking in we shouldn’t work. We are so different yet for the things that matter we think the same. We find the same things funny, like the same music, watch the same movies and have the same open minded view of life.

One thing he has taught me is not to judge other peoples’ relationships no one has the right to do that. We cannot help who we are or who we fall for.

 xGGx

Half my collection:

not too bad for someone who only bought her first toy 2 years ago

xGGx

The Face of a Woman

I overhead a bit of a spat today, the cause unimportant, the insult thrown was 'two faced'. A common enough expression but it made me think. How many faces does a woman have?

Me? I have many, every role I play in this life has a face and I play many, from being a daughter and sister to wife then widow now lover. From Mother to business woman, the friend who shares a joke over lunch to the friend who keeps your secrets.

Like so many women I have many layers, peel them back like an onion and I will make you cry. But I will also make you laugh. The layers make us interesting, without them we are characterless, bland and uninteresting; a single dimensional image without substance or intrigue.

Which would you rather spend time with?

Me, I will happily be the saint in the kitchen and the sinner in the privacy of our own space.

So the next time someone calls me two faced I will smile and acknowledge that at least they got that right.



xGGx

A Reflective Birthday Post

Birthdays are usually a time of excitement and joy, of coming together to celebrate; especially true when it is a child’s birthday.

Tomorrow will be my son’s 10^th birthday. There will be no balloons, no banners announcing the celebration to the world. No candles sat smoking on a cake. No wrapped gifts waiting to be torn open. More touching there will be no smiles and laughter in the house.

Like 17 women every day in the UK I gave birth to an Angel Baby. My tiny bundle, much loved and long awaited never took a breath. I left the hospital empty and empty handed. Tomorrow I will take his sisters to place roses on his grave. They are too young to understand the pain of loss but their short lives have been touched by it in too many ways. From their brother’s grave they will walk with me to lay the rest of our flowers on their Father’s ‘special place’ – with them I never use the words cemetery or grave.

The one thing I learnt from experience of still birth was how scared people are to talk about death. Children aren’t meant to die and so many people will avoid talking about the subject. I had people cross the road to avoid having to speak to me, the look of horror on faces when the question “What did you have?”  brought the tearful response “ a boy but he didn’t make it”.

If you know the parents of an Angel please don’t be scared, it isn’t catching and tears do not scar. Say hello, ask how they are, above all remember they are normal. Just  going through the toughest of times.

xGGX

Pink Lipstick Nothing But Net Seamless Dress

This was sent to me as a tester from Lovehoney, thank you Alice.

It arrived in a box bearing the photo of a tall, slender, young, blonde woman with ample boobage (as the product page also features). Talk about making a girl feel inadequate. I am none of those things and after taking the dress out of the box I hesitated about trying it on. Hesitated might be the wrong word, it took over a week for me to pluck up the courage to see if I could actually get into it.

The thing is this dress is tiny, imagine a pair of fishnet tights and you have the scale of my predicament. The box states it fits most sizes, I am currently a UK 16 and to my surprise this did fit. It clings to your curves and even with a baby belly that never went away this made me feel fabulous and sexy. The dress is shown as being worn off the shoulders however I am only 5'3" so the only way to get the sleeves to sit right was to forgo the off the shoulder look.

Overall, I loved the way this dress made me look and feel, for someone who has always had body image issues that statement does not come easy. Would I have paid £28.99 for it? Probably not but I would have missed out on an outfit which could easily become a favourite way of letting the OH know that he is about to be used and abused.

Sinful Sunday or why the image really counts....

I grew up in a straight laced environment which was also full of negativity. You know the type of family which compares the achievements and character traits of the children. Well I wasn't the smartest, most athletic or popular of the three of us, but I did have the distinction of being the podgiest.

 Hearing your mother constantly telling you that you are fat makes you believe that you are. At school I was on the edge, not one of the super nerds and very definitely not one of the popular girls. I know that I was slightly overweight, something I seem to have spent most of my life battling with, but I felt that I was also ugly and unfanciable.

That feeling stays with you, as a married woman I still didn't feel attractive. I never wear shorts and rarely go swimming or to the beach. I fear the prickles of all those judgemental eyes burning into my skin.

It wasn't until I met my current partner that some of those body image issues started to take a back seat. He loves the baby belly, 3 pregnancies in 3 years takes a toll. He has an ability to raise my confidence, even after a day with my parents, still being told I am getting fat, he makes me feel 100% woman.

I am a mum, I have 2 girls whom I want to grow confident and secure with themselves. I never want them to feel as bad about themselves as I have.

The Sinful Sunday post was a milestone, for the first time ever I have felt secure enough about my body to allow a lover to take a photo of me naked. More than that I have found the courage to post it online. Sharing myself with strangers. The comments from them have been so much more positive than the jibes I grew up with.

So, to all those who have taken a role in building my confidence, Thank you.

Sinful Sunday

Sinful Sunday

My first Sinful sunday entry so please be gentle with me and feel free to leave a comment.

My ritual cleansing

As I wash every last trace of him,

his seed and his smell from my skin.

The tart in me dies,

the mother returns

My ritual is complete

Fear

Do you know what fear is? People talk about the taste of fear but for me it is more than that. It envelopes your entire being, screws all your senses then leaves you cold and numb.

I am lucky I have never been in a life threatening fear situation, not my life anyway. To me fear is sitting on the side of a hospital bed while a surgeon explains that the man you love, the father of your children has 2-5 years, if he is lucky, and then only with aggressive surgery followed by chemo.

Fear is sitting in ICU after that surgery goes wrong, no not really the surgery going wrong - that’s not fair on the doctors. His body reacted badly, basically said 'fuck you whatever you try isn’t going to work'. Sitting there with the machines beeping, watching for the numbers to drop, the monitors to alarm and the staff to come rushing over.

Fear is being told the child you are carrying isn't going to make it. 10 years ago my labour was induced to allow my body to deliver my little boy. All I can remember is being physically sick and the fact that my midwife, who had supported me through to 23 weeks was running the London Marathon. 

I picked the blog title live love learn and laugh very deliberately, the experiences of fear have taught me that life is too short, too precious and easily broken to waste. Life is for living, opportunities are there to be taken. This is my new philosophy and one that I find difficult sometimes. Breaking old habits is tough but leaving the negative behind me is a healthy way for me to move on with my life.

Touche Rose Geranium Massage Oil 50ml

The bottle is a simple clear plastic with a black flip-top lid. It is easy to get the product out in a controlled way without covering everything in oil. The oil itself is a beautiful orange/red colour and has a subtle smell. Not overly perfumed or girly, which is perfect for us as a couple.


For testing purposes I chose to be selfish and treat myself to a pedicure with foot massage. A girl deserves a treat and oh boy this was one. The oil rubs in slowly and allows you to put just the right amount of pressure on the foot without pulling the skin. It absorbs well so would need reapplying for a full back or body massage, but it left my skin feeling soft and silky without a greasy residue.


There is nothing naughty about the packaging so this would make a perfect gift for someone.

The only thing that let it down is the inclusion of peanut oil, which means it is not suitable for nut allergy sufferers.


Overall, I think this is a lovely product which deserves a space in anyone's bathroom.

Good Girls Don't....

So I grew up in an environment where sex was something we didn't really talk about, but we knew there were some rules. They usually started with 'Good girls don't' followed by a phrase that should have been a mystery to us.

Growing older in a stable and very vanilla marriage none of those things were tried, except oral and that was something I decided I didn't actualy like. Moving into a different kind of relationship has opened my eyes and my mind to the possibilities of pleasure. This good girl has now tried some of those forbidden fruits.

Toys now have a major part in our sex life, I have built a collection of them and have my favourites. I started to review them so that other women can also experience the pleasure that good sex can bring.

The biggest taboo that I have tried is anal sex, Good Girls only have sex to have babies so anal was considered too dirty to even speak about. Something that only happened in porn, I now realise that being closed minded about it limits our enjoyment of each other's bodies. Done well it can be mind blowing, but it is something which takes trust and understanding of each other. Questions about anal regularly appear on sex related forums and ignorance isnt bliss it's dangerous.

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